


How Rose Lalonde and Her Horde of Lesbians Cracked Karkat Vantas Like an Egg

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, F/F, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Gay Rose Lalonde, Karkat Vantas Is a Good Bro, M/M, Meteorstuck, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Quadrant Vacillation, but don't worry they have a talk and she gets better, dave and rose have a chat about heteronormativity, everyone bullies karkat, everyone on the meteor are friends with each other i don't make the rules, terezi and vriska are fun as always
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:40:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28802961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "You've been meddling. Fussing. Sticking your prongs in everyone's business." Vriska grins. "Don't tell me you're shooting for ashen.""Oh god no."
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde & Dave Strider, Rose Lalonde & Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde & Terezi Pyrope, Rose Lalonde & Vriska Serket, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket
Comments: 8
Kudos: 64





	How Rose Lalonde and Her Horde of Lesbians Cracked Karkat Vantas Like an Egg

"I could crack him like an egg," Rose says as Karkat stomps out of the kitchen. 

"I'm sure you could," Kanaya tells her diplomatically. 

"He's ridiculously transparent," Rose starts. "He thinks he fools us, and yet desperately wishes for us not to be fooled. I don't think I've ever seen such a childish display." 

"I can't help but wonder," says Kanaya, "if all your picking at other people's psyches is just a way to divert attention from yourself." Damn, why'd she have to fall for such an intelligent woman? This would be so much easier if Kanaya was unobservant. 

"And what makes you think that?" Rose asks, just shy of overtly aggressive. By the unimpressed look Kanaya levels at her, it was not as subtle as she had hoped. 

"You cannot make us flip black every time we approach anything even resembling sincerity, Rose."

"It works sometimes." Rose leans in to kiss Kanaya, aiming for a good round of sloppy makeouts, but Kanaya pulls away after just a peck. Rose sips her tea to hide her disappointment. It's cold. "Besides, you must admit that he is, well. He's certainly a _character_."

Kanaya sighs, the kind of sigh that means she's about to be brutally honest. "Rose, you know I'm very fond of you, which extends to your more vicious side as well." Rose drinks from her cup again, breaking their eye contact. "And I know Karkat is an easy target, and a bit of an idiot," Kanaya's smile undercuts her harsh words, "but he is very important to both me and your human brother, and..." Kanaya fidgets with her own mug, and Rose wishes to be anywhere but here, sitting in the kitchen with cold tea and listening to her girlfriend carefully and unpurposefully take her apart. "Could you just try to be a little less harsh? He is more than he seems." 

"I'm sure he is," Rose replies. "But he certainly hasn't deigned to show me any of it, or put in the effort to build our relationship beyond vague antagonism. Even accounting for alien views on my and Dave's shared parentage and the significance of such, I'm his best friend's matesprit!" Kanaya looks up sharply at that. "I just want to know what the appeal is. I hold both you and Dave in high esteem, and I know neither of you would let yourselves get so close to him if he truly were the rancorous buffoon he presents himself as." 

"I'm not his best friend." Kanaya says it gravely, with more weight behind the words than Rose understands. But then she reaches over and squeezes Rose's hand. "Just give him time." 

"Patience isn't exactly my specialty." 

"I know." And she leans in to kiss Rose again, short and sweet. "That's why Dave is his moirail and not you."

Rose feels the desire for _more_ , but she cannot let anything lie. "I thought they were flushed, not pale." Kanaya raises her eyebrows and Rose quickly backtracks. "That's likely just my human bias talking, however." 

"You could very well be in the right." Kanaya shrugs. Ah. It seems there had been no ulterior motive or secret judgement behind those raised eyebrows. Rose is surprised by her girlfriend every day. "I just thought they were moirails because Karkat has always been," Kanaya coughs, "very _open_ , in the pale quadrant." 

Rose notes with delight a green flush making its way across Kanaya's cheeks. She sips her tea knowingly. "Oh?" 

"Just because I occasionally participate in your alien perversions does not mean that I have no boundaries." Kanaya hides her face in her mug, but makes a face after drinking from it. 

"Bluh." Kanaya's eyes flash with realization. "Wait, have you been drinking cold tea this entire time?" 

Rose remains silent. 

"Oh, _Rose_ ," Kanaya breathes, and Rose briefly glimpses a soft smile on her fanged mouth before she swoops in for a proper kiss. 

* * *

Rose wakes up early the next morning to get (hot) tea for the both of them. She spots Dave and Karkat bickering, and waits silently in the doorway for them to notice her. 

"Let's make one thing clear," Karkat growls in a way that he probably thinks is threatening. "I have the _utmost_ respect for human Ness, okay? She is the best fucking character in the entire series and I will not stand for anyone slandering her." 

"No, see, I totally agree with you there," Dave replies. "But you say you won't stand for anyone slandering her, and then-" 

"No, Dave, you're not listening to me!" Karkat shouts. Rose thinks privately to herself that it is a little hard not to listen to Karkat. "This isn't anything against her, I just - carrying a wiggler _inside your body_? That is literally the stuff of fucking horror movies on Alternia!" 

"It's not that bad." 

" _Horror movies!_ " Dave looks at the troll without any hint of an expression on his face. " _On Alternia!_ " Karkat clarifies. 

"Well," Dave starts. "There is at least one Earth horror movie about aliens involuntarily impregnating. Uh. People. So that isn't really unique to trolls." 

"Ah, yes, _Alien_. So much phallic imagery. On purpose, even," Rose adds. They both jump, and Karkat lets out a little shriek. Rose notices the glint of a sword behind Dave's back. 

"Jesus fucking Christ, Rose!" Karkat says. "You fucking scared me!" The sword disappears back into Dave's sylladex. 

Rose doesn't bat an eyelash. "Obviously. That was quite the scream."

"Well, ex-fucking-scuse me! It's a perfectly reasonable reaction, considering I haven't seen anyone apart from this douchebag in a week." 

Rose raises an eyebrow. "Not even the mayor?" 

Dave mutters _aw fuck_ under his breath, and Karkat shakes his head sadly. 

"My, you two really are becoming codependent."

"Every unfortunate fucker on this goddamn meteor is codependent with their partner," Karkat grouses. 

"Partner," Dave wheezes out. Karkat furrows his eyebrows and puts careful fingers on Dave's shoulder. 

"Really, Dave?" Rose says. "Partner? _Really?_ " 

"Oh, this is the human gay thing, isn't it?" Karkat shoves Dave lightly. "Whatever, asshole. I won't call us partners again." 

"Mmmmmm," says Dave. "Mmmmmmmmm." 

"Do you think he's trying to communicate with us?" Rose asks Karkat. He snorts. Point for Rose. 

"Let's head down to Can Town," Karkat tells Dave. "Kanaya and I have a thing soon, and I want to say hi to the mayor."

"Totally, dude." 

"Actually, I wish to speak to my brother for a moment." Rose shoots Dave her best _We need to talk._ glare. "Privately, if you please." 

Karkat looks between them, and, deciding not to interfere, pats Dave's arm in support before walking out of the kitchen. 

Karkat shoulder-bumps Rose on his way through the door. A warning not to mess with Dave, perhaps? 

Or a threat. 

_Laughable._

"That went well," Rose comments. "'Human gay thing'?" 

"Human gay thing," Dave repeats. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" 

Dave doesn't say anything. 

"You know, there's nothing wrong with you. Well, apart from the obvious." Dave laughs a little at that. "I get it, okay?"

Dave levels a stare at her, cocking one eyebrow. 

"My... my mother would always tell me that whenever a boy pushed me, or was mean to me, or was nice to me, or anything really, that meant he had a crush on me. I used to view every interaction I had with a guy through the lens of trying to figure out if he was romantically interested in me, with the conclusion inevitably leading to _yes_." 

Dave looks scared now. 

"It had mostly petered out by the time I met you, John, and Jade." He sighs in relief. Rose rolls her eyes. "But, during the period where I went grimdark, John mentioned it. I don't believe he actually felt that way towards me, but something, or some _one_ , had put it in his head that we _had_ to be together." 

Something about her words seems to strike a chord in Dave. She keeps going. "Admittedly, I was hardly lucid at the time. 

"However, I remember one thought that ran through my mind, which was this: what would my mother think?" Dave looks away, but Rose knows that he's still listening. "Then, of course, I remembered that she was dead, which drew me back into my blind rage. 

"But I keep coming back to that thought, here on the meteor. What would she think? What would she think of Kanaya and I? Our relationship? What would she think of _me?_ " Rose shrugs. "And I think about taking it back. About making myself, quote-unquote, 'normal.' 

"Yet the more I think about it, the more I realise that's impossible. I wouldn't be who I am now if I wasn't queer. My constant references to Freud (a way of both poking fun at my former celibacy as well as establishing myself as heterosexual), my being drawn to alternative subcultures made for outcasts, the unwavering belief that I have had since I was a toddler that women are far superior to men..." Dave actually laughs at that one. 

Rose apes Karkat's motion from earlier, and leans over to pat Dave's shoulder, a little awkwardly. "Well, let's just say it points to a certain conclusion." 

"It's just like you to be fuckin' smug about being gay," Dave says, and he doesn't spit the word out like a bullet. Rose supposes that's progress. 

"Exactly," Rose replies. "I've come to terms with it, and you haven't. And while I can't help you with the introspection, self-discovery, et cetera, I can alleviate your worries by saying that I'll make sure they know _all_ about Kanaya and I before they even give you a second glance." 

"Why is that comforting?" Rose winks, and Dave buries his face in his hands. He opens his mouth, then shuts it. "I just - _Karkat_ , dude." 

This is Rose's way in. "You do seem to have... cracked him." 

"Yeah," Dave sighs, "just like everyone else who's ever given him the time of day." 

"Oh dear," Rose says. "I was led to believe that that was your only talent. Whatever shall you do to woo him now?" _Come on, give me your secrets._

"Oh look there's Vriska," Dave says, and then whips past Rose to get to the transportalizer. 

Dammit. 

Vriska pokes her nose in. "You and fussyfangs really have rubbed off on each other." 

"I don't know what you mean," Rose retorts coolly. 

"You've been meddling. Fussing. Sticking your prongs in everyone's business." Vriska grins. "Don't tell me you're shooting for _ashen._ " 

"Oh god no." Vriska hoots with laughter. Rose didn't know people could hoot with laughter in real life. "It's less to do with Dave and Karkat, and more to do with just Karkat." 

"Oh. Oh, _man_." Vriska's grin widens. "I gotta get Terezi on the line for this." 

Vriska decaptchalogues her gaming headset, which has lights that pulse between cerulean and bright red. It gives Rose a headache. 

"Hey Pyrope!" 

"Welcome back, Marquise! Did you find any further clues for our investigation?" Terezi's raspy voice blares from the headphone speakers. 

"No, just ran into my second favourite Seer. She needs some advice on something that you're preeeeeeeetty much our resident expert on." 

"Oh?" Terezi replies, intrigued. "Are you having troubles, Ms. Lalonde? My fees are quite high." 

"I have a red ball of yarn in my pocket," Rose offers. 

"Deal!" Terezi says, at the same time as Vriska says "No deal." 

"Vriska, what the fuck?" 

"I got this, babe," Vriska reassures her moirail. She turns her attention back to Rose. "We demand two red yarn balls, _and_ red socks!" 

"A pair for each of you, I presume?" 

"Duh!" They answer at the same time, and Vriska turns with a hand outstretched for a high-five, before realising that Terezi isn't there. Hurriedly, she puts the hand on the wall and leans against it awkwardly, as if that were her objective this entire time. 

"So what do you need, my delicious lavender accomplice?" Terezi croons. 

Rose sighs. "I need help on how to... bond, with Karkat. I want to crack him like an egg," she adds, in hopes of enticing the two trolls. 

Terezi starts cackling. Vriska's smile widens and widens until she starts giggling as well, like the mere fact that Terezi finds something funny makes her find it funny too. 

Rose will never understand their relationship. 

"Oh, Rose. Rose, Rose, Rose." Terezi snorts. "Don't even worry about that. You've probably had a billion bonding moments that you don't even remember." 

Rose frowns. "That's not how bonding works." 

"Maybe that's not how _human_ bonding works," Vriska snipes, just to snipe. 

"Maybe that's not how bonding with anyone except Karkat works," Terezi amends. 

Vriska snickers, and turns to leave. 

Before she can set a single firetruck-red boot on the ground, Rose says, "If I may ask, what are you doing? I hardly ever see you two actually, physically separated." She injects a small amount of judgement into her tone. 

"Unfortunately it was required for this investigation that we search the entire meteor! So we had to split up." 

"It's still pretty slow going," Vriska admits. "Especially since Terezi forgot where she hid the evidence." 

"Hey!" 

"I wasn't criticising you. I was just saying." 

Rose thinks about how Kanaya told her that she and Karkat are "Spending The Day Together Attempting To Discuss Somewhat Mediocre Romance Novels But Probably Ultimately Getting Side Tracked Into Odd And Most Likely Quite Meaningless Topics Of Conversation," and how Dave basically only talks about one grey-skinned, shouty subject these days. 

"Would you protest to my joining you on your quest?" 

"Not at all! With a Seer of Light on our side, we'll find Chairman Grapeface in no time!" Terezi enthuses. 

Vriska shoots Rose an appraising look. "But first, you need an RP name. I'm not just calling you 'Rose,' that's lame." 

"How about Madame Lilith Morningstar, She Whose Sight Pierces the Densest of Tenebrosity, Witness to Wordless Wonders and Sightless Horrors?" 

"Crunchy!" says Terezi. 

* * *

Rose and Kanaya cuddle on the couch, Kanaya running her hands gently through Rose's hair. 

"What are you thinking about, dear?" Kanaya asks. 

"I'm going to crack him like an egg." 

Kanaya looks at her askance. "... This isn't really about Karkat, is it?" Rose stiffens. "I just have a hard time believing you would fixate so on Karkat, oddly likeable as he is, without some sort of other reason." 

"Darling, are you accusing me of having an ulterior motive?" Rose smiles slowly, slyly, like something low to the ground and deadly. "You should know that I always have one of those handy."

"Of course. I was simply wondering if you would share it with your matesprit." Something in Kanaya's tone wiggles through Rose's defences, and she sighs. 

"It's... I don't know, it's everything. Cabin fever, the new session, the fucking clown in the vents." Rose says this all into Kanaya's collarbone so she doesn't have to look her in the eye. "It was a nice distraction, I suppose." 

Kanaya hums. "I don't know about nice." 

"Okay, I'll find another coping mechanism." Rose kisses Kanaya on the nose, and she looks adorably surprised. "It was getting old, anyway." 

* * *

That night, Rose finds herself grasping for a bottle underneath the kitchen sink. 

She falls back, back, back into bliss and darkness and lowered inhibitions, oh _yes_. Air flows like honey through her lungs, like the wine, sweet and addictive and every time she swallows a mouthful it steams through her bloodstream and makes her giggle. 

Dark, hopeless things lurk at the back of her mind and come closer with each drop, but would you look at that, she's drinking from a _glass,_ how very _sophisticated_ , how very like the _Lalondes_. 

"What the fuck are you doing?" 

Rose smiles, swears that the air coming out through the gaps in her teeth tastes bitter on the way up. "Keepin' up the family legacy, baby." 

"I- fucking. What?" Karkat runs a hand up and down his face. "Dear mother grub, I'm too fucking tired for this."

"Ahhh, mmmmm...mothers. Mothaaaas! So glad you would bring, bring them up, Vvvvvvantas." Rose gestures with her wine glass and spills a little on her pyjamas. "You know, my own mother always said what use is moda- modera- fuuuuuck. When it's just enough?" 

"Moderation?" 

"Yessss! Oh, you are such a good boy, Karkat. Sooo good." Rose clumsily pats Karkat's cheek. He bears it without complaint, like he's used to this kind of behaviour. "Ohhh, but I'm not a good boy, Kark-HIC. At. No, I'm ind... indulul... induloolaging. Hahaha." 

"Indulging?" 

"Yeeeeees. Oh, yeeeees," Rose says. "I'm... I'm _not_ good. I go so long with, without doing _anything_ , y'know?" She's getting a little teary-eyed, just like good ol' mom. "I'm, I'm doing so good. An' then! An' then I just wan' a little sip, just a tiny bit... and I can't help myself! So I might as well, bloop, drink the whoooole bottle. Heh. Heh." The half-chuckles she forces out don't sound happy. 

"Okay, so let me get this straight." Rose snickers. "You got the urge to drink your human soporific, and the motherfucking _moment_ you gave in, you decided that you might as well give up your self-control entirely. Is that it?" 

"Mmmmmm," Rose replies, tasting how the sound rolls around in her mouth. "Mmmmmno you don't _geddit_ , Karkat. Iss like, if I don't do it at all, then I know I don', don' have a weak _will,_ y'know? And if I give in then, psh, I _am_ just trash, and I _am_ just a disappointment!" 

"I'm going to stop you right fucking there, Lalonde." Karkat punctuates his words by ripping the bottle and glass out of Rose's hands. "Coming from someone who has expected complete and utter perfection from myself and then beat myself the fuck up when I _inevitably_ fail... that shit's exhausting." His voice is softer now, and he crouches down next to Rose. "You never get to perfection. All you do is wreck your mental health and self-esteem trying to get there. You have to let go of trying to go for that perfect streak. Most likely, you're going to have to grapple with this and have these urges for the rest of your life." Rose visibly shudders at that. "I didn't mean it like that, dipshit. Look, we're all fucked up, right?"

"You can say that again." 

"Exactly. So we all have shit to deal with, baggage that we'll have to fucking carry around for the rest of our goddamn lives. So one, you're not alone in this, and _two_ , you will get better at it. I promise you, as long as you don't... give up." Karkat thinks for a second. "And as long as you confide in us." 

"But I can't, they'll think _less_ of me," Rose groans. "Dave and Kanaya, I can't risk..."

"But Vriska's meddling in this too, isn't she?" 

"Tha's... Tha's _different_ , Vis- Varis- spiderbitch isn't any good for confiding in, anyways." 

"That would be a little inappropriate, anyway." Rose stares at her hands. Karkat holds out his, to help her up. "Come on, Lalonde, you're sober enough for me to get to your respiteblock." 

"Why?" Wouldn't it be better for her to stay here, on the kitchen floor, so she can wallow in her failure and self-pity properly? 

"It'll make you feel better," Karkat says. "Come on." 

Rose takes his hand, and he somehow loops it around his shoulder so Rose can lean most of her weight on him when she gets an intense feeling of vertigo. "... Thanks." 

"No problem." Karkat sets on the path to Rose's room. "You're my friend." 

_What?_

Rose tries to be subtle. "We're friends? Since when?" 

"Wow, fuck you too." 

"Noooo, since _when_? When was it? Which scheme?" Rose insists. 

Karkat raises an eyebrow at her. "... Scheme? You know what, I don't even want to know. Let's just fucking drop it." Rose pouts. "Fine! Fine, fine, I guess my ultimate fucking weakness is annoying as shit drunk humans. If I _had_ to put a date on it, I guess I'd say I stopped hating you a few perigrees in, when you gave me a cup of coffee." 

Rose remembers that moment. Karkat had stomped in, early in the morning, bedhead even worse than usual and responding only with grunts that sounded vaguely like swear words. The coffee was less of a gift of kindness and more of a nudge from Rose to get him to leave. 

"Oh. Oh nooooo. That was a passive-aggres- passaggress- making fun of you, oh godddd." Rose thinks about how softly Kanaya had smiled at Karkat that morning. Her girlfriend is so beautiful. 

"Sure, just like every time Dave calls something 'gay' it's his human 'irony.'" 

"Uuuuggghhhhh, fuck you for mentioning my brother while I was having sexy Kanaya thoughts." 

Karkat makes an offended noise. "Fuck you for telling me you were having sexy Kanaya thoughts!" 

"No, fuck you." Rose is too drunk to think of an intelligent response. 

"No, fuck _you_." Karkat has no such excuse. "Look, here's your fucking block." 

"... How d'you know where my room is?" Rose asks suspiciously. 

"I know where everyone's respiteblocks are," Karkat replies flippantly, bustling her through the door, "in case of emergency." 

"That's cute, but really quite unnecessess... unneeded." He growls, slightly red. 

Rose smiles at him, probably larger than she intends, and starts carefully making her way to the bed. 

"Uh," he fidgets, "do you need any help?" 

"I'm perfectly compepetent," she replies. He nods stiffly, and makes to abscond, but hesitates at the last second. 

"You said earlier that, uh, you can't go to Kanaya or Dave about this because you're afraid they'll think less of you. Which they won't, by the way, they might be disappointed but - okay, tangent, never mind what I just said. Just..." Karkat frowns, and reaches out a hand, like he wants to put it on Rose's shoulder despite her being several feet away. He puts it back down, and Rose gets an odd feeling of absence. "I know there isn't that pressure with me, because I unforgivably humiliate myself on a basis that's so regular I should probably question it, so. You can come to me, with this shit." 

"I just might." Rose looks at Karkat, and sees the way he looks at her. "I'm very lucky to call you my friend." 

He lights up at that, actually _smiling_ at her. She doesn't remember him ever doing that before. "Trust me, Lalonde. The pleasure's all fucking mine." He pauses. "And everyone else's, too." 

There's something about what he says that strikes Rose, roots her to the spot. Kanaya, Dave, Vriska, Terezi... her friends. 

Just like Karkat is. 

He closes the door. "Goodnight, Rose. Feel better tomorrow." 

"I will," she says, and means it. 

  
As Rose lies in bed that night, she wonders if instead of her cracking Karkat, he cracked her. It bothers her a little, but now that their relationship is on solid ground... well. She _is_ Rose Lalonde, best psychoanalyst alive. If only by a technicality.


End file.
